First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize