Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
