she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
