first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
