I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
