I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
