In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize