now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
