Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
