Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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