I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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