Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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