i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
