I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
