Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
