I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What a dumb baby whore.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
