When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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