I have demons in me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
