the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
