I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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