i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
