The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize