I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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