The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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