Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Randomize
