my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
