last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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