dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We left the knife in your bed.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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