Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
