My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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