4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
