Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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