im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize