Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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