Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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