I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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