Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
