Don't make out with my wife yet
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
