sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
