Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
