How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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