after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
