I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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