Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
