I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
