I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize