Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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