also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
