Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's shark week go big or go home
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
