a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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