You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
