We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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