ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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