smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
