After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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