He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
