that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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