I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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