you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
