and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
