I wish my penis had an off switch
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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