we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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