Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
