so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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